


Counterfeit, Hypocrite, Holy Shit

by starksnack



Series: Songficsfor the Soul [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcoholic Tony Stark, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Character Death, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, Drugs, Even More, Getting Back Together, Heavy Angst, Hurt Tony Stark, I'm Sorry, Inspired by Music, M/M, Not A Fix-It, POV Tony Stark, Past Relationship(s), Past Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Civil War (Marvel), Sad Ending, Smoking, Song Lyrics, Songfic, Stark Tower, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Substance Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, The Author Regrets Everything, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark-centric, Tony-centric, Triggers, Unhappy Ending, Vomiting, in fact I broke it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-05-29 08:34:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15069308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starksnack/pseuds/starksnack
Summary: Tony Stark really loses himself after the events of Civil WarEverybody Gets High by MissioTHIS IS MAJORLY TRIGGERING SO PLEASE LOOK AT THE TAGS BEFORE PROCEEDING.





	Counterfeit, Hypocrite, Holy Shit

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to May @marvelicious on here and @_stargxzing on Instagram. We both have a cursing kink and this song would have us bent over a desk in .002 seconds. It's actually a really great song.
> 
>  
> 
> [Listen to the song here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHukwv_VX9A)
> 
>  
> 
> I really fucked myself up with this fic. I cried while writing it. Please don't read this without looking through the tags because it is full of triggers.
> 
> The italics are the song lyrics.  
> The rest is Tony.

_ Once upon a time in a land far away _

New York City, buzzing with life.

_ There lived a little boy and he drank all day _

Tony circled the rim of his glass with a lazy finger.

_ Friends called him stupid and his brothers called him gay _

He couldn’t help but think that he was simultaneously a genius and an idiot for the situation he was currently in.

_ Emptied all the bottles 'til the pain went away _

His mind circled back to the letter Steve had sent him. He drank until he couldn’t feel the weight of the brick phone in his jacket pocket.

 

_ Whiskey was his friend _

Two fingers of Jameson, an Irish whiskey to remind him of the pale blond he’d lost.

_ He didn't have another _

He had been clean for so long. Hadn’t touched a drink in years, had bartenders mix him fruity punches so no one would be the wiser. But now that his sponsor was gone...

_ Vicodin his vice _

He hadn’t used it since before Afghanistan. He remembered it being good for taking away pain. Maybe it would work on his broken heart too.

_ His real and only lover _

It wouldn’t leave him like Steve had.

_ Yup _

_ Smoked a pack or two _

Tony wondered if his reduced lung capacity could take the cigarettes. Even if they couldn’t it didn’t matter to him. Nothing mattered after the best thing that ever happened to him left.

_ It never was a problem _

He wheezed as the arc reactor put extra pressure on his lungs when he inhaled to cough up the smoke.

_ Popped a pill or two _

He wondered about the side effects of mixing his anxiety pills and antidepressants with substances.

_ They really made him blossom _

Maybe the side effects would be amnesia. He could really use a reprieve from the memory of Steve on his skin.

_ Yup _

 

_ Take a sip, take a sip, take a sip _

Tony threw back the whiskey standing shakily to his feet. He had to get to the bathroom before he vomited his guts up in the penthouse living room.

_ And I trip, and I trip, and I trip _

And there was the floor racing up to meet him. His head was pounding as he cussed out gravity.

_ And I'm like _

_ When you bitch, when you bitch, when you bitch _

Whining wouldn’t bring back Steve but he sure as hell loved complaining about the soldier to Jarvis.

_ Counterfeit hypocrite holy shit _

That’s when it hit Tony, there was no getting away from missing Steve.

 

_ Once upon a time in a land far away _

He crawled from the bathroom to his bed pulling himself up and onto the silk sheets that still smelled like his lover.

_ There lived a little boy and he cried all day _

His cheeks were getting wet and dampening the sheets. Tony scrubbed a hand across his face chastising himself. What he needed was a good fuck.

_ Playboy bunny magazines would never get him laid _

He could probably head out and find someone to keep his bed warm but no one would fill him like a certain blond superhero.

_ He downed another bottle 'til the pain went away _

There was some of Natasha’s Guiness sitting on the bedside table. She’d probably kill him when she found out but Tony didn’t care as he tipped the bottle back.

 

_ Whiskey was his friend _

He set the bottle back down. It slipped off the bedside table shattering on the wood floor and dripping dregs. Tony didn’t flinch as he looked at the shards. 

_ He didn't have another _

If Natasha really cared about her whiskey, she would have stayed like a good friend instead of betraying him and running off with Steve. Tony had lost all the kids in the divorce.

_ Vicodin his vice _

He rubbed his temples feeling the onslaught of an upcoming headache that he could tell was going to be a rager. The drugs were wearing off and he knew he’d need another hit soon.

_ His real and only lover _

Steve would have stopped him. Nursed him back to health with blue puppy dog eyes and soft chaste kisses that turned messy with teeth. Tony shook himself out of it. Steve was gone.

_ Yup _

_ Smoked a pack or two _

Tony lit up another one letting his lungs fill with smoke as much as they could with the weight of the arc reactor pressing down on them again.

_ It never was a problem _

That was the worst part. Having Steve hit him so hard with the shield that he’d needed it again.

_ Popped a pill or two _

He threw back a couple of Advil swallowing them dry before taking another drag of the cigarette.

_ They really made him blossom _

He wasn’t naive enough to believe that he would get better. There was no coming back from a loss like this. He just hoped the cocktail of substances would take him on a nice night before he burned out.

_ Yup _

 

_ Take a sip, take a sip, take a sip _

He didn’t have to wait though. All it would take was a little bit of bleach.

_ And I trip, and I trip, and I trip _

The penthouse had a balcony. He could fuck the consequences and take a shortcut to Park Avenue below.

_ And I'm like _

_ When you bitch, when you bitch, when you bitch _

He rolled his eyes. He made his own bed, he could fucking lay in it.

_ Counterfeit hypocrite holy shit _

He curled up in a ball on the mattress. He needed Steve.

 

_ Take a sip, take a sip, take a sip _

He tried to steady his breathing as the tears got incessant. He would stop with the alcohol.

_ And I trip, and I trip, and I trip _

He needed to quit the drugs. Steve would never take him back if he was tripping acid all the time and as much as he hated to admit it, he had grown dependant on his lover to ease the sorrows of daily life.

_ And I'm like _

_ When you bitch, when you bitch, when you bitch _

He needed to stop complaining and start acting.

_ Counterfeit hypocrite holy shit _

 

Steve came back to him. Apologies were made. It eased the ache.

_ Everybody gets high, why the hell can't I? _

_ Everybody gets high, why the hell can't I? _

_ Everybody gets high, why the hell can't I? _

_ Everybody gets high, why the hell can't I? _

 

_ Yup _

  
  


_ Take a sip, take a sip, take a sip _

They poured all the alcohol down the sink. Tony retook his pledge.

_ And I trip, and I trip, and I trip _

He spent months in rehab until he didn’t need the range of pills that got him out of bed in the morning.

_ And I'm like _

_ When you bitch, when you bitch, when you bitch _

Tony stopped whining to Jarvis and started superheroeing again. They got the accords amended and signed. They got the team back together.

_ Counterfeit hypocrite holy shit _

 

But Tony was already too far gone.

_ Everybody gets high, why the hell can't I? _

_ Everybody gets high, why the hell can't I? _

_ Everybody gets high, why the hell can't I? _

_ Everybody gets high, why the hell can't I? _

 

He died in his sleep.

He took Steve's heart with him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. I appreciate every single one of you and I hope your day goes better than my day did after writing this.  
> Drop me a comment and let me know what I can do better, what you want to see, and how I can improve.  
> I promise all my fics aren't this dark. In fact, I write a hell of a lot of Stony fluff which you are welcome to read to recover from this gigantic mess of angst and sadness.   
> Come yell at me on [tumblr](https://starksnack.tumblr.com/) and [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/starksnack/).


End file.
